by Yasmine Diba, MA, MApg Cert., MNCP, LNLP at Chelsea Natural Health Clinic, Fulham Rd., SW10.
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What makes people feel stuck in life?
Is it some aspect of their job? Are they experiencing a disconnect in their partnership? Are they fed up with their money-situation? Are they socially withdrawn? etc etc
If there is any common denominator running through many of life’s internal obstructions, then lack of confidence is high up on that list.
Confidence, or the lack of it , is mostly learnt.
Lack of confidence first developed when you were emotionally vulnerable to persons in authority, be this your parents, your teachers or anyone else whom you trusted and were dependent upon for guidance. Significant figures in a child’s life have to value the child and convey positive messages. Nobody lacks confidence from the day they were born, or else they would not get back up again every time they took a tumble or banged their heads as a toddler. Self-confidence can be dented, if you experienced being discredited, rejected or doubted at any stage in your life.
Of course you cannot change what happened to you, but as an adult, you can certainly change how you want to react to various situations from now on.
Charles Kettering’s quote is very apt at this point: ” You can’t have a better tomorrow, if you’re thinking about yesterday all the time.”
Building self-confidence is an ongoing process. Together with a coach, the client can explore ways to accumulate confidence, through a step-by-step, tailor-made approach, as part of the dialogue between coach and client.
You will hardly be lacking in confidence in every single aspect of your life. For example, some people experience a sense of failure in their relationships, but perform well at work. Others can barely engage freely in unscripted dialogue, when away from the the well-rehearsed routines of their respective professions, but they are nevertheless great musicians, scientists, entrepreneurs, company directors, property developers, photographers, teachers, bankers, etc. Or you might be quietly self-conscious and wounded about the fact that you were held back by dyslexia or other learning difficulties during your school-years, but you might still be brilliant at most things that you do and hugely popular at that.
In fact, there are several skills that everyone performs remarkably well. Nobody is totally unconfident at everything, even if it may seem like that when they feel low. The personal belief-system is very powerful in its ability to either hinder or propel you. As I coach, I inspire the client to re-visit their core values and to check whether these are underpinned by a matching set of belief-systems.
Instead of merely focusing on why you have low self-esteem in some areas of your life, or directing your endless attention to focusing on the factors that drain you, a coach will much rather encourage you to look for ways as to how you can build a workable and realistic idea of your future. While we would examine some old beliefs about yourself that stop you from appreciating yourself, or look into what has held you back from taking action so far, we would only do so in order to free up vital energy for you to move forwards.
For example, your coach will help you to:
1 ) identify and acknowledge your unique skills and talents, .He/ she will show you
2) how to draw from these abilities and subsequently weave them into the areas of your life
that you would like to have more control over.
3) Your coach will help you identify your specific goals;
4) introduce you to developing a sense of perspective and reality;
5) encourage you to list, then narrow down your options; and finally,
6) mentor you, as you practice and implement more life-skills.
Confidence develops when people realise they possess resources they have not tried before.
As Sir Edmund Hilary said: It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.”